Fear
I made it back in. I was out until Sunday. I don't think I got drunk more than 8 or 10 times, but another day or two and I think I would have been lost for a long time. I was back to the same despair, suicidal, feeling of worthlessness, regrets, shame, the works. Tonight I'm going to my 11th meeting since Sunday.
I've asked myself if this blog was part of what led me to relapse. As long as I use it to express myself to myself, and not as a substitute for meetings and other contact, maybe there's no harm. That's what I'm trying right now.
The overwhelming feeling I've had is fear. I started my job as a mortgage broker. I have to sell at least two loans to close in February, or I'll be let go. It's 100% commission, so I'll also be broke. I'm deep in debt, tapped out. I'll have to sell the house, which I had wanted to hold onto for my son. But, since he's in another city with my wife now, it makes no sense to keep it. I hate the house, actually, and I want to sell it. But the market is weak and I prefer to wait for the spring nudge so I can get something from it other than repaying the mortgage. I'm counting pennies and sweating bullets.
I've explained to my wife that I don't have any money to send, but she keeps telling me I have to send her money, I have an obligation. I know I have an obligation, I want to support my son, and as soon as I have some money I'll send it. I simply don't have any money. Why can't she understand that? Besides, what happened to the $20,000 cash she had two months ago???
Anyway, my fear -- I fear the consequences of failure, but at the same time I have to face my fear of getting on the phone to talk to people, to sell, that I need to do to succeed. That has always been hard for me -- indeed, I've never succeeded at sales. I know I can do this, it really is what I want to do, yet I get tangled up in my own fears and what-ifs and insane sense that I deserve to fail, I'm worthless and whoever I'm talking to will know it instantly and have contempt for me. (Needless to say, that's never what actually happens.) I'm not one of these telemarketing mortgage dudes -- these are people I've talked with face-to-face, and they want to talk to me! Yet the fear and insanity remain...
And I've learned -- had to learn, very quickly -- a whole other dimension of "one day at a time," and how it relates to Step Three, where I slammed into the resistance of my self-will before going back out. One day at a time isn't just how I don't drink -- it's how I have to live my life. I have to turn my will and my life over to God every minute of every day, and let His power control my thoughts, my words, my actions. It's the only way I can push my self-will aside -- the self-will that drives me to despair, failure, uselessness, and paralysis by worry about the future -- so that my mind, my body and my mouth do, right now, the things I need to do so that I can get myself back on my feet. If I can quit worrying about what will or won't or might or might not happen in the future, I can be free to do the right thing today, and let God take care of the future. Otherwise I will procrastinate until I am assured of failure.
It's a very difficult thing for me to do. I've spent a good part of the last couple days procrastinating. Again, I'm trying to forget about that, too. All I have is right now. I know what I need to do in the next 24 hours. I pray that God will guide me, my words, my thoughts, my actions, and take away my fears and protect me from my self-will, so that I can and will do the things that He wants me to do.

Kitties Junkies Boy, do I wish my other site was up now. I have a topic to write on that concerns us all. But before I begin, if any of you have pets--cats or dogs-- go grab their food. Get their dry food, canned food, and treats. Good, now read the labels.
Up 'til the other day I thought I was pretty conciencious about what I was feeding my pets. I knew about cats' requirements of protein, taurine, vitamins, etc. I knew that companies used animal bi-products in the food...though not to the effect or in the way I've recently learned, but that's a whole other post. Anyway, what I didn't realize, probably because I wasn't looking for it, was the amount of sugar in pet food! My cats have become sugar junkies!!!!
Read the labels. The 4th or 5th ingredient on canned food will be corn syrop or glucose. Treats? Full of sugar. "Reduced lactose cat milk" is just a way to keep your cat hooked. You think he loves his Kitty Milk...he really just loves the sugar. And even their staple kibble has hidden sugar in it. Would you feed your children frosted flakes all day every day? Neither would I.
So now my cats are being detoxed. Cleo, who once loved yogurt, now turns his nose up at it and begs for cat milk or treats or non-organic cat food. They do love their kibble, but I've switched them back to a holistic brand which contains only human grade meat, no corn, and flavours cats enjoy like cranberry.
But it has been 5 days of crying around our house. And they are not the only ones detoxing. Since I started their regime, we've cut down our sugar. We only eat natural source sugar-- fruits, vegetables, cane sugar in our yogurt...and a little real maple syrop on our multigrain pancakes tonight. Joel is even trying not to put it in his coffee.
You'd be surprised where sugar hides. If you can't figure out why your animal won't lose weight, I'd check the sugar first.
I have a lot of balanced recipes for animal food if you would like to switch over to a complete or partial homemade diet. I also have recipes for animal treats--all sugar free. Email me for details.

WHO WHO WILL CARRY ANY CA???
Good then keski occurs? keski is organized? concerning ? Plait it?

I am terribly outraged the affligement consternatif one of knowing that it would seem that possibly can be certain individuals lambdas whom I will not name, namely susnominés Nicky-Gwen, Tim-Marie, Buz-Marie-Laure, project to have the prospect to plan to move and it proves to be quasi certain of source sour that no, not the least and even not only one small bet on, for example, transportage of a settee, an armchair, a chair, a stool, a pouf or even p' tit cushion with with the key a taost with salmon and a coupette of champomy and/or an insane race in front of new the neighbors with

This is why I rise and I launch some ideas to stolen which could of course be supplemented by those coming you to mind:

- for at nicky and gwen:
1) Transfer of the water of the aquarium by way bucale of the current appart in the bath-tub of new the appart, then of the bath-tub to the aquarium which this second phase transproté will have been before filled with some beers (To count 2 beers per anybody and section of 50 meters) of old to new the appart with end of arm. - > 2 advantages: Saving in water for Nicky and gwen and rinsing of the mouth for the carriers.

2) Launched of Pinpin of old to new the appart in less than 4 master keys (Authorization to use artisanal catapults on the spot manufactured to Mac Gyver with the sombréro of Nicky like nacelle and 2 strings of Gwen like rubber bands).